One moment in time is all it takes to create a lifetime of fear. One moment of fear is all it takes to create a trauma bond.
My asperger brain needs to know why something is happening – it’s the difference between learning and understanding. I’ve been trying to understand how it is that dog training took over the way it did. Then one fine fellow mentioned the terms “Trauma Bonding” and tied it to Codependence and Narcissism.
That rocked my world, shook me to the core. And I’m going to attempt to explain all this to you. This is likely going to be a long one.
A trauma bond is when a person forms a deep emotional attachment with someone that causes them harm. It often develops from a repeated cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. When this occurs between partners, this is a trauma-bonded relationship.
Abuse and positive reinforcement – important words. Would that be abuse and reward as dog training describes the Quadrants of dog training? Or should we look at it through the lens of Skinner – that positive reinforcement is your desire for the good things – but also to remove the bad things, the negative reinforcements that you don’t want in your life. That’s where fight or flight comes in. The abuser is a negative reinforcement – and they are applying a negative reinforcement like treats, shock, prong etc. Skinner would call that exploitation – and he’s right.
Harm goes beyond physical harm, it’s emotional, it’s spiritual, mental etc. But this understanding made me sit down and rediscover some of my old cases. And Josie the doberman is a great example of trauma bonding and how it starts and gets worse in a real hurry. The owners had one bad experience with Josie, she growled and barked in close proximity to a child and a small dog. Nothing bad happened, they didn’t see what happened. And that one moment in time was all it took to develop a trauma bond with the dog. One moment to create a lifetime of fear. Do we have an aggressive dog? Now they are unsure of what Josie is going to do – and now it’s control and management time. They hired a trainer who scared them even more about the breeds she is, he sold them a prong and said it’s for life, pay me. Lets tighten up the trauma bond. Josie is a one year old Doberman, she’s got needs. These owners were trying hard. What I did was show them that even under pressure, Josie has no intent to harm anything. We changed up exercise and interaction and Josie is doing wonderful. They needed to see that Josie was a great dog and very capable – and that’s the very reason I record.
I’m usually the last chance for alot of dogs. And when I meet the owners, they are vulnerable and they just desperate for any kind of win. I can understand how easy it would be to prey on that vulnerability and I can’t do that. But I am surprised at how many shamelessly will. It would be so easy for me to sell the training packages and tools to a scared owner. But I need to sleep at night. And that in reality is what’s happening – there is no shame left in dog training. Trainers are preying on dog owners emotions and feelings, they can smell your desperation. Facts don’t matter anymore – it’s all about feelings.
And all of this has lead to the creation of the pet industrial complex. Companies are making billions off making treats and clickers, prongs and e-collars, crates and muzzles, and on and on. It’s dog trainers that are selling them – and many are getting kickbacks (sponsors) for doing so. I have a huge problem with this. The quadrants have you adding and removing things – but it’s all the things that the dog doesn’t need. And dog training as a whole has taken away everything the dog does need – they made owners afraid of what the dog really does need. How would you define that? I call it a liability – dog training has turned the dog into a liability.
People are Trauma Bonded to their dogs, “reactive” and “aggressive” dogs are doing harm to you – the owner. And in return, the owner is actually doing harm to the dog – and I know it’s not your intent. The reality is, the dog is trauma bonded to their owner as well – it’s two way. One is feeding the other. Remember that it’s cycles of abuse and positive reinforcement? You are both negative reinforcements to each other – and you end up disrespecting each other in the process. And both are getting tired of it.
Codependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person’s self-destructive behavior such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.
Think about that definition long and hard. Your dog is changing your behaviours for the negative. And you are trying to change your dogs behaviours. This is called codependency – but you’re working together backward.
You are now vulnerable – susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. Remember what I said earlier? That it would be so easy to prey on dog owners vulnerability? Here we go.
Narcissism involves a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type. Self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.
I’ve been looking for terms to explain many/most dog trainers. Is it arrogance or ignorance? No – there is alot of narcissism in the dog training world. Anyone that is willing to take to youtube, read an email from a viewer – and tell them to euthanise their dog is a narcissist. The trainers hasn’t met the dog, they haven’t assessed the dog, they haven’t diagnosed the dog, offer no suggestions for exercise or a job or purpose. But do the world a favor and kill the dog. I see it on youtube and all over the facebook groups. Dog trainers are destroying peoples lives through pushing control and management – and that’s on both sides. All we see and hear now is shut down the behaviours, stop the behaviours. That is called suppression of behaviors that you do not understand – and you will never “fix” what you do not understand. It’s a vicious cycle isn’t it?
Why is all this happening in the first place?
Codependency and Narcissism – Codependent types seek to identify themselves through another person, process, or substance. There is a disconnect from their authentic self. Narcissists are addicted to the validation they seek and get from others, creating their identity around it.
I’ve had many dog owners that are so heavily vested in dog training come at me with vitriol and abuse. This is the codependency meeting narcissism and coming together to become one.’They say things online that they wouldn’t dare say to my face and that’s the disconnection.
Always said that if I treated my friends the way some people treat their dogs, I wouldn’t have any friends left – they would all run away. Think about that in regards to having to teach recall – your dog doesn’t want to be your friend and you are punishing the dog on top of that.
Then we have this “War In Dog Training”? Maybe now we can make sense of it – why is it happening? It’s us against them? Balanced versus positive reinforcement. And positive reinforcement is one quadrant of the system of 4 quadrants that balanced apply. It’s all the same stuff – so ask yourself a question. What is the benefit of this war in dog training?
How does one heal a trauma bond. That’s the question that needs to be asked. That’s where change begins.
In order to fix a problem, one first needs to recognize that there is a problem in the first place. Then understand the cause of the problem. If you don’t understand what’s causing a problem – you’re not fixing anything.
This is a work in progress.